Dear online dating users:
1st I'm sorry that eHarmony rejected you. Why else would you use Match or Chemistry?
2nd if you're an attractive woman using these sites understand why a man may be suspicious. No one likes surprises & chances of you being: a stage 5 clinger, a baby &/or a marriage crazy psycho, a stalker, or even a man posing as a woman is a real possibility. If you are asked for more proof...err pics it's only because a hot woman that can't find a guy is like a sports car nobody wants; it either cost too much to keep or something really major is wrong with it!
Also for the ladies; please no pics with kids in them. If you have kids & we eventually date I'll meet them soon enough, just click that you have them on your profile & we'll know. Nothing worse than masturbating to online photo's and clicking on one with a kid in it! (This applies to wedding pic too!) I'm not R. Kelly ladies! Additionally; NO PICS W/ OTHER DUDES! you're single, right? well who's this douche bag hugging on you? You're ex? AWESOME! Men ALWAYS like to see EXACTLY what the guy that banged you before him looks like, ALWAYS! (that was sarcasm ladies, I know some of you aren't fond of it, it doesn't care for you either! Thank you very much!)
Last thing for this part. No pictures of your girlfriends that are hotter than you! I don't need that pressure before I even meet you! Buyer’s remorse happens all the time. "Wow, her friends are hotter, wish I had met them 1st." But you know what? If I've never seen them we MIGHT get a chance to make a connection & I MIGHT ignore you super hot Victoria Secret Swim suit model friends when I meet them because he loves you! Actually there's no chance that will happen, if you have a bunch of friends WAY hotter than you (YOU KNOW IT IF YOU DO !) Dump them bitches for some ugly broads until you man up!
Guys 1st sorry for the dry spell, major break up, or the fact that you are too dorky to get laid in a bar like normal dudes. Why else would you be on Match or Chemistry?
2nd your profiles: Showing pics of your comic book collection is a HUGE NO GO! Remember all the hot single chicks that were at the last ComiCon that were dying to fuck guys like you? No? BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST!!!! If you can't find your Wonder Woman at a nerd convention why the fuck do you think online dating is the place to go? Stifle that shit until later! (disclosure: I am a full fledge comic book loving geek, but I hide that shit until after I've had sex with a girl a few times. It takes the sting off of nerdom if you manage to get her Flux Capacitor to up to 88 she won't mind as much by then!)
Also; no pics of your kids! All that makes women think of is possible baby momma drama, child support payments cutting into your money, and their own baby daddy that they just took time away from stalking to try and find a new baby daddy! Plus if I hear one more woman bitching about trying to masturbate to online dating pictures and then a kid pops ups I'm going to shoot somebody! (callback!)
Finally, let's stop with the BS and sketchy profiles, the goal here is to meet a person, right? Well if you lied in the profile they'll likely know it when they meet you! I saw a women's pic, she's a little thick, whatever that's cool but her profile says "about average" Really? Where is that fat ass "about average?" If you were in line waiting for tickets to the Oprah show MAYBE you would be "about Average" you're not! Say thick, a little extra, keep it real big girls it's ok!
For men, quit faking the funk! You don't do all that shit! You've never climbed a fucking mountain! You live in Chicago and have never left Illinois! You climbed halfway up a rock climbing wall and got a cramp and had to stop! You know how I know this? Because dudes that climb mountains get laid! They get laid right there on the spot. When you reach the summit there's a hot bitch just waiting to fuck your brains out, why else would dudes do that shit? Also don't lie about your income; so you say you make 6 figures, but you live in a studio apt with a roommate and drive a 1998 Hyundai! AMAZING! How have you NOT been snatched up you rich, mountain climbing, comic book loving, lying sack of douchebaggery! Go whack it to anime and leave these lonely women alone dammit!
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