Beer Snob - Jon David

I can't help my tastes. I like Kevin Smith movies. I think Michael Parks is amazing in any movie he's ever been in. I have Static-X and the Kaiser Chiefs in a playlist right now. I wear shoes you see in the X-games. I use Ubuntu. I think coffee without a lovely caramel creamer sucks shit. South Park over Family Guy. Michio Kaku is Stephen Hawking's bitch. I can't just jerk off to anything, I need to find just the right video even if it takes me an hour, usually a video that includes brunettes and regret. I hate jazz. Chick drinks are delicious, UV Blu and lemonade...O-M-G. I use "..."  way too much. And I am a lonely beer snob.



Miller High Life, I can't type that without gagging, is always in my grandfather's hand. It's supposed to be the Champagne of beer, according to him. I love my grandfather but he's fucked in the head. High Life is the bastard child of O-Doul's and well water. If he offers me a High Life, I knee him in liver.

Whenever I do have a beer with my grandfather, Pop is what I call him, I bring my own. That's when feel like I have failed him. "Look at this special guy" He'll shoot me a look from the greatest generation, "Faggot!"

 
"Fuck You, Pop!" I shoot him a look from the generation that watches the Jersey Shore.

I just can't stomach High Life, Budweiser, Coors, or any of the shitty popular beers. I don't think it makes me a traitor to my country but it does make me the guy who takes 10 minutes to go over the beer list with a bartender while a red blooded patriot behind me wants to kill me to get to his Miller Light. It's not easy being a beer snob where I live either.

This is how every exchange with a bartender in my town goes:

Me:"Do you have Sam Adams Black?"

Bar Douche: "No."

Me:"Gulden Draak?" 

Bar Douche:"What the hell is that?"

Me:"Dog Fish Head?" 

Bar Douche:"Asshole!"

Me:"Do you have any stouts?!!" 

Bar Douche:"I don't know what you mean!!"

Me:"Just give me a fuckin UV Blu and Lemonade!" 

Bar Douche: "Ok...faggot"

This is what I like in a beer. I'll start with color. I like my beer like the Kardashians like their men: Dark and Rich. It has to be stout. What is stout? Take a look at your shitty beer out of a cardboard case of 24, it's the exact opposite of that. Dark, Rich, Bold, Stout. 

Gimme this guy in a glass.

 Pops and the bartender are right. I am quite the faggot.